Fear. It’s probably my biggest weakness, and my list is long.
I fear rejection. I fear failure. I fear decisions. I fear meeting new people. I fear losing control. I fear not having enough money to pay the bills. I fear I’m not good enough to get a full-time job. I fear I’m not going to meet the ‘one.’ I fear my body image doesn’t look good enough (too skinny). I fear I’m too quiet. Heck, I’ve feared to write this for a long time now.
Most of these fears I keep to myself, too. I’ve never really told anyone about these. I always like being perfect. I like experiencing happiness all the time, and not pain. I don’t like to make decisions and it’s hard to meet new people. The rest of them, I don’t want to tell people because they are scary to admit. I don’t like telling people that I make minimum wage working at television station, but it’s a job and it’s a job in my field. The other one, that’s the hardest one because usually girls deal with it, and I don’t like talking about. I’ve always exercised and been afraid to eat too much. I’ve always been asked myself, ‘do I look good enough?’ ‘Do others think I look good?’ I’ve thought I’m too skinny and that I need to go shoot hoops, ride my bike, go for a run, or to do Insanity (I did complete it!). For much of my life, I just haven’t like my body.
All of these are fears that I have encountered over my life, and since I graduated college last May. These fears have showed myself that I lack faith and yet, they have helped become stronger in my faith. How? Why? Well, he’s shown me that he isn’t looking for contribution, he’s looking for commitment from me.
I’ve failed, struggled, and have been rejected countless times by companies since I have graduated. I admit, I hate failing, struggling and getting rejected. For instance, I had a six-hour job interview, and didn’t get the job. These feelings suck. But they are motivating. They grow my confidence, and the part that matters – I get back up every time. I go out and look for more jobs. My mentor encourages me to meet two new people every week. (A couple of weeks ago, I was interviewing a man for my concussion series and found out he works in the media field, and his company had jobs open). I’ve had opportunities turned down, and I’ve created opportunities.
God teaches me to be patient, to trust his plan is perfect, and right, and to know that he has a place for me in this world. He teaches me that life moves on. He tells me to keep trying. He tells me that I am appreciated and there will be jobs down the line that will someday appreciate me too. He knows my passion and he’s teaching me.
About a month ago, the Ransom had a message that was convicting and it had came a week after I heard I didn’t get the job offer at KSFY that I had worked so hard for. The message encouraged God’s believers to be committed disciples. My heart was racing at the end. Out of fear, I walked up to the front of the church and knelt on my knees. I let out a prayer to God while the band was worshipping. I could feel the Spirit moving and I gave up my heart. I gave up control. I let him have that situation. A pastor prayed with me, and I felt relieved. My soul was well. It was well with Jesus.
Since that day, my fears have been replaced by faith. I’ve been realizing I have been blessed. I have a family, friends, a home to live in, food to eat, and jobs to make an income. God’s made the extraordinary out of the ordinary in my life, and I couldn’t be more grateful. I’m learning that nothing is too big for God. I am getting experience at my jobs in the media field, and he is preparing me for bigger and greater things. All I have to do is to be a bit more enduring. To call more people. To meet more people.
Releasing my fears and turning them into faith has created a more balanced life for me. Here’s 10 ways that I can say God has changed in me:
1. God is always in control. 100% of the time. 2. God’s plan is the only plan I need. 3. my self-image comes from God. I’m his child. And so are you, we are his son’s and daughter’s. 4. trust instead of fear, worry. 5. God is more than enough. 6. love others. 7. be open to criticism. 8. ask for help and seek counsel of God and others. 9. live selflessly. 10. be thankful.
I want to strive to be second in my life. Second to God, and to let God know that I am always listening to his wisdom.
p.s. thank you for reading and thank you for all being my friends. I am praying for you, too. I hope that this blog taught you that faith is letting go of your fears. I can say that I am much stronger, but still have fears and struggle every day. If you want, feel free to pray for me or shoot me a message if you want to talk!